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Dear Mark R Karlsson,
On February 16, 2005, I received an e-mail that claimed to be by you. In over half a decade of doing Credit Card and Payment Processing over
the internet through third party processors such as yourself, I've learned a thing or two about the business. Mainly that any time there is
any delay, what so ever, in payment of funds, that the company is deliberately trying to fuck you over. Congratulations, you have now
entered that category.
Your company exists for one reason, and one reason only, to accept money from my customers and to deliver it to me. Ever since I started
using it some months ago, I have received many complaints from my customers, the number one among them being that it's absurd for you to ask
them for their mailing information and then not provide it to me, so I have to contact them and ask again, after they thought their order was
already finished on their end. Regardless of your shortcomings in that department, your company had always paid me what it owed me, and at
the end of the day, that's the mission critical aspect of my relationship with you. Now it would appear that you're going to blow that
too...
I think you're company's behavior is unacceptable, and I believe that your behavior in drafting and sending this e-mail is inexcusable. I
will now explain why in a direct paragraph to paragraph response.
You wrote:
" Dear customer, Due to certain fraudulent attacks on YowCow, we have had to slow down our withdrawal services to clients. What this means is
that delays will and have occurred as we trace back funds and report to authorities these fraudulent transactions. We have uncovered a
network of merchants in our system that have been trading amongst themselves to create fraud."
I don't buy it. If you are having problems with fraudulent attacks on your service, then perhaps you should slow down your depositing and
payment acceptance services to your clients. It would appear to me that you are simply accepting money, and then holding on to it for your
own purposes. If you've found some sort of nebulous shadowy network of merchants in your system that have been somehow creating fraud by
trading among themselves, then disable their accounts and be done with it. None of this has anything to do with me. However, I still don't
accept this explanation, because there shouldn't be any way that fraud can be created by a network of your users doing transactions with each
other. If this is the case, then your system is completely broken, because the whole point of your system is to have a network of end users
doing transactions with each other. You're a transaction processor, look it up in the dictionary if you are unclear what that means.
So basically you're either lying, and using the excuse of some shadowy threat as an excuse for unacceptable behavior (Gee, where have we seen
this before?) or your system is fundamentally broken. Neither of which gives me any confidence in your system or your company.
You then continued to write:
" IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT PROCEDURES FOR ACCOUNTS:
To help the government fight the funding of terrorism and money Laundering activities, federal law requires us to obtain, verify, and record
information that identifies each person who has a Sellers Account or is/has receiving/ed funds in the capacity of Sellers regardless of the
account type chosen at signup. What this means for you: When you open an account, we will ask for your name, address and a valid working
url/website or other information that will allow us to identify you"
You missed the period after the word "you." However, this does not surprise me. It's obvious that this e-mail never went through your
company's legal department, I doubt any lawyer who could pass the Bar would approve it, so it doesn't surprise me that it didn't go through
proof reading either. Undoubtedly it was hastily cranked out, just as my response is... The only difference being that my response doesn't
affect the financial responsibilities of your company to a whole lot of people.
Now you're playing the terrorism card. I thought this delay was being caused by fraudulent activity by a network of merchants doing
transactions with each other? At this point I must seriously consider the possibility that this e-mail is a hoax... Please wait a moment
while I look up "YowCow" on snopes.com... Sorry, no matches found... You must actually either a) believe this nonsense, or b) think so low
of your customers that you think we'll believe this crap. Perhaps you would like to mention specifically which federal law is requiring you
to do this. I think I know the answer to this one, but at this point I'm curious to see if you do too, or if you're just making all this up
as you go along.
At any rate this segment clearly has to do with the opening of an account, a process that I already went through months ago, and was verified
in doing. So, I really don't see what it has to do with me.
You then went on to say:
"As of February 17th all pending withdrawal request where users that have not provide YowCow with the information requested, will be canceled
and these accounts will be blocked. We will resume processing for legitimate users. These users will receive email notification. All funds
are protected by YowCow, but we must make sure that our security remains in force."
So, does this mean that the normal run of the mill request that I made days ago will suddenly vanish tomorrow on the 17th? Will my account
be blocked? I've given you my name, address, phone, website, bank account number, and I don't recall clearly at this moment, but probably
all sorts of government numbers that you really shouldn't be asking for anyways, but somehow we as a society have permitted. Am I a
legitimate user or not? It's kind of hard to tell these days. At any rate, I don't care much for how you do business, so I guess if my
account isn't blocked, I'll be canceling it. Perhaps I should do it on the 16th, to let you know how I really feel about this e-mail, in
case my words didn't do it well enough.
Funny thing about using "force" as you put it. People tend to resent it.
You then went on to say:
"Over the next few days, we will be escorting merchants to the door and reporting them to the FBI Internet fraud department and local
authorities."
You'll be escorting merchants to the door, eh? What door would that be? Would you please choose one metaphor at stick with it. Gee, the
FBI. That sure does make you tough. Perhaps you were watching the Super Bowl the other night when the commercial came on with the family in
the small car, and then the biker gang drives around them, and they're scared, because it's important to be afraid of everything you run in
to.... And then the biker gang shows up at a place on the side of the road, and it's all a row of giant Ford SUVs, and the biker gang gets
scared and leaves... After that the slogan appeared on the screen: "Ford isn't just built tough... it makes you tough." Tell me, does
invoking the name of the FBI make you tough?
At any rate, with the way that you treat your customers, I sincerely doubt you'll have any difficulty getting them to rush away from you and
your company out that metaphorical door.
You then went on to say:
"Please bear with us as we clean the internet and our system of these despicable people. If you are one of these people, may we suggest that
you make amends ASAP as this may reverse any action we WILL take against you."
Ah, so now the metaphor is that the Internet is some sort of window that needs to be cleaned? Or perhaps some sort of wild west. The way
you make it sound now is as if you're some sort of Internet-Cowboy or perhaps a Bronson-esq vigilante. To be honest, I'm not particularly
interested in cleaning up the Internet, or ridding despicable people. To be perfectly honest, until you fulfill your responsibilities to me,
the only thing that you should be occupying your time with is fulfilling your fiscal responsibilities to your client. Let me suggest to you,
that you make amends ASAP, because a lot of us out here have lawyers, and don't take a particularly kind view to people acting like
bullies... especially when they are in the wrong.
Then, after signing your message, you added this little gem:
"This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are
addressed and may contain information that is privileged or otherwise confidential. It is not intended for transmission to, or receipt by,
any individual or entity other than the named addressee (or a person authorized to deliver it to the named addressee) except as otherwise
expressly permitted in this email. Unauthorized disclosure, modification or distribution is expressly prohibited. If you have received this
email in error please notify the YowCow manager: https://www.yowcow.com/contact.htm "
If you believe that anything sent via plaintext e-mail is confidential, then you are an even bigger fool then the rest of the e-mail that you
have written would lead me to believe. Anything sent in the plain over the Internet can be intercepted by more government, corporate and
private entities than I care to think about. Furthermore, you have absolutely no right or say over how I use an e-mail sent to me. If you
don't want people to disclose or distribute your foolish words, then perhaps you should consider what you type before sending it. I intend
on placing it on the homepage of my website http://www.haxxxor.com (one of the bits of information that you have repeatedly requested from
me, that I have repeatedly provided to you). Additionally, you have absolutely no right to dictate what is "prohibited."
So, in short, as if this e-mail wasn't insulting enough, the ending was insulting to the point of being ridiculous. If this is the official
position of your company, then I will happily make sure that no action I ever take again in my life causes your company to make any profit,
and will actively encourage people to choose alternatives to your service. If these opinions are not the view of your company, then I would
encourage them to help you find more productive work... perhaps in the janitorial department or something, I don't know... emptying waste
paper baskets or perhaps scrubbing toilets... Please forgive me if the tone of this e-mail sounds insulting, I just figured that perhaps you
would like to know what it feels like to receive an insulting and rude e-mail. At least my tone wasn't threatening, although your e-mail
was. If that doesn't help to cheer you up, then consider this, at least I'm not holding on to several hundred dollars of your money, giving
the implication that it's not going to be paid. Can you imagine what that must feel like, if you did, I bet you would realize that it sucks.
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